Words to Live By Since 1993 A SPIFF Publication Vol. 1, No. 16 Politics (n) = poli (many) + tics (blood-sucking parasites) We're Humanitarians! Last week, Secretary of State Warren Christopher announced our newest, latest, most improved policy on Bosnia. We are now humanitarians. (Don't you feel good!) From now on we will concentrate our effort on easing the suffering of the people who have had their land and lives pillaged while two presidents did nothing. The latest, new-and-improved policy all but abdicates American influence in a situation that grows worse with each passing day. With virtually all of their wood burned up last winter, the people of Sarajevo have taken to tapping into natural gas lines for heat. (BOOM!) After a year of inactivity after a promise of action, (Whoops! Another promise gone.) President Clinton and Bill have the gall to step in and call themselves "humanitarians" while they threaten the Serbs and retreat, threaten and retreat again. Well, now we have decided not to threaten anymore, just retreat. Our policy in this region has never been anything but a sorry mess and a worrisome indicator of Clinton foreign policy. While it was never a good idea to even suggest the use of American troops, it has been unfathomable that our government has refused to allow the Bosnians to obtain the weapons needed to defend themselves against an aggressor inside their own borders. On another humanitarian front, Somali Warlord Mohammed Farrah Fawcett Aidid needed a lift to a peace conference in Ethiopia. Our military (or at least its Commander in Cheat) was more than happy to make an American plane available for the Warlord. Wait a minute. Is this not the same person who was responsible for the deaths of American troops in Somalia? Is this not the same Warlord that we have been chasing for months? Is this not the single greatest threat to American security in years? Why are we giving this guy a lift? If you see Charles Manson on the side of the road, do you stop and give him a ride? We can only imagine what it must have been like for the soldiers on that plane with the Warlord. Imagine having the man responsible for the deaths of Americans and being under order to not only leave him alone, but to help him out. This is what we call a coherent policy!? Spiff Interpretation Service As a service to you, the loyal followers of Spiff, we present a guide to understanding Clintonese, the age-old, seldom-used language of sheer bull. Using excerpts of an actual press release about additions to the White House, we present a guide to this prose. As have most of their predecessors in the White House1 President and Mrs. Clinton [Hey, it's their release.] have undertaken several restorations to ensure the upkeep of the Executive Mansion...No public funds were spent on the work.2 ...According to White House Curator Rex Scouten,3 significant restorations are necessary about every ten4 years due to the heavy volume of tourists who visit the White House each week. In addition to the routine maintenance and restoration, some changes reflect the lifestyle of the occupant family, such as converting the butler's pantry into a kitchen for family meals.5 The recent improvements, totalling $396,429.46, were financed by private donations of money to the White House Historical Association6...The Clintons chose not to use the $50,000 appropriated by Congress for White House restorations.7 ...Kaki Hockersmith of Little Rock, Arkansas devoted a significant amount of personal time to the project, essentially closing her small business and dedicating nearly an entire year to the White House refurbishment.8 Most of the draperies and upholstering were done by Nelson Beck...Nelson Beck has assisted in a number of earlier projects in the White House...providing slipcovers and upholstery for the Bushes and the Reagans.9 And now, the translation: 1. "Everyone else has done it, so don't criticize us." Well, so much for change. 2. "We didn't waste your money. We promise!" 3. At this stage, the Clintons always attempt to find an "unbiased" or "independent" source, like C. Everett Koop or William Crowe, to strengthen their position. 4. This isn't a point. We are just amazed that it did not say "12 years." 5. "See, we are a happy middle-class family, not like those uncaring and elitist Reagans." 6. "Proof that we didn't waste your money." 7. "We know that neither of the last two presidents have used the appropriation either, but they didn't mean it." 8. "We got a great deal! But don't ask us who paid Kaki's expenses in Washington." She was probably a member of the Health Scare Task Force. 9. "We used the same people they did, so it's legitimate." Quote of the weak: "It's not a panacea, but it is the beginning, and it will make a difference." Sarah Brady Quote of the strong: "You can stand up for values without sitting down with pornographers." Pat Buchanan Words to Live By is published every week at about this time by Spiff. 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